I think I've been lying to myself.
In Japan I removed my piercings because that's not who I am. Just a week ago I had a drastic haircut, which I intend to keep; because I prefer myself with short hair.
These and other superficial, exterior things had led me to think to myself that I was growing up: becoming a more mature individual. And to a certain extent, I am - I have done a fair amount of growing up over the past year. But something happened this weekend.
My sister got married.
Now this in itself does not make me feel immature: I am in no rush to get married (indeed, I'd need to find myself a lady-person first).
As with birthdays, New Year, Christmas and two-for-one drinks at Carpe Diem, weddings are an excuse to have a party, and perhaps a few drinks - which is no real problem, of course. However, as a student there was something in the back of my mind telling me that moderation was unnecessary: "if you drink, you drink to excess!"
I had a great time, dancing like a crazed chicken (the only way I know how) and knocking back Jägermeister like there was no tomorrow. The actual leaving part of the night is a little hazy to say the least, but I know for certain that I was in a state. Sitting in the taxi next to my little sister, I vaguely remember telling her - which she has since confirmed - asking her not to tell Mum (who was sitting on the other side of her) how drunk I was. I am also told that I was determined to walk home rather than take the taxi... I can believe this, despite not remembering it. Somewhere in my drunk brain I am sure there was something saying "if you walk home, you'll probably have enough fresh air to not be sick."
Now, as the Facebook page "Leeds Uni Confessions" would have you believe, getting blind drunk and throwing up and waking up in a pile of your... emission is something that means you had a damned good night.
Having now experienced this, I believe there is nothing further from the truth.
Setting aside for now the embarrassment, shame and guilt at throwing up all over your bed for the time being - lets talk danger. If I had not been on my side, I could well have choked and died; or at least come very close.
There is nothing more horrifying than that realisation.
It's very hard to put into words how bad I feel about being so utterly stupid, and scaring my parents so much (as I know I have). It was even harder for me to say this to my parents' faces, so I'm putting this onto the Internet for all to see:
I am unequivocally, utterly and totally sorry.
Returning to the matter of my maturity; I am clearly not as mature as I would like to think of myself. Moreover, I have scared myself into action. So;
- I promise not to drink so much in such a short space of time ever again
- I promise to know my limits
- I promise that I will set a good example for any who take example from me
- I promise never to scare my parents like that again
For the next few days I am on the wagon. And after that I am going to prove to myself that I can go out and have a good time without being so drunk that I manage to put a mattress out of commission.
With this, I hope, will come a new sense of responsibility when it comes to my studies and hopefully a turning point in my student career.
I feel at this point I run the risk of being misconstrued.
Know that I am being utterly self-centred when I write this, and have no desire to try to change anybody else's habits: this is just something that I have realised about myself and wanted to share with the Internet.
